muddy Monday

Today was one of those days where the future seems unclear. I was in a dark mood. I am thinking that if anything maybe these writings can become a book. I will have to start improvising in a journal all the details that I am not sure about writing on this blog. Because some things are x-rated and this is more of a PG-13 blog. Remember, I am living my life as if it were a movie right now.

This is the boring part of the film, I guess, where stuff just drags on. There has been no positive progress on the goals for 2010, unless you consider the elimination of jobs progress. On that note, what I mean is that one job (from my three interviews of last week) called and said they hired within the company. The second job said they have my application on hold and will be getting back to me for a phone interview soon.

My wonderful friend, who I have known for about 26 years, told me that he thought that if I didn't get the job it must not be the right job for me. Which is actually true about the one that said they hired someone since it was only part-time and I probably need something full-time.

Anyways all this is not helping the rest of my life, since it is hard to get out and meet anyone when you have no money to spend and it is hard to concentrate on writing when you are feeling down about your work situation. Anyways enough complaining. I have a beautiful family and good health.

give me more

Is there anything wrong with wanting some loving and not caring about a commitment? I am a girl but does that make me a slut. SO I said I was putting love on hold but am I really. I am still dating a guy who is unavailable and calls all the shots in this non-relationship. But I am slightly hung up because he is the only guy I am sleeping with.

Last night I got tipsy and saw Ozomatli, which was amazing. Anyways at 2 am I was drunk texting and accidently texted the guy I am dating. He, of course, never called or sent me anything back.

I feel like such a fool.

All of my goals are in a stand still but it is still January, right? Things feel like they are moving in slow motion.

missing in action

I missed posting a few times this week. Kids, my son wanted to make music CDs on my computer last night & the other time I missed it my daughter kept me up with a stuffy nose so I was exhausted. I wish I could music to match my posts. I think I am going to take this post to my space soon so I can add music on a daily basis. Because if you were listening to what I was while reading maybe you could feel it more.

Still on the career hunt. Love is on hold, or hopefully it will find me. Then as far as getting published, I have been having a little writers block. I have consolidate my children's stories into a chapter book and add some details but I have been so unmotivated due to the discouraging career search.

I think I need a monster energy drink before I head out to my dead end job. Blahh

Going out tonight....

public or private

I went out with friends and then out with a guy I am dating on Tuesday night. My friend said he wanted to read my blog but I wasn't to sure about that. If you found it, let me know?? I wanted to do a blog because I always write in a journal but figured if I ever want to publish anything I should start getting used to people reading my writing. Yet here I am shy about it. Anyways I will have to give it to some girlfriends to read first so I could get some real criticism on going public.

On the job hunt, I had an interview yesterday and it was my third one this week. It went well, or so I hope, but it ended the same as Monday's interview in which they said, "I was their first interview and it would take two weeks to get back to me." Aagh! What does this mean?

One of the three job interviews said they would get back to me on Friday. So I wonder if they give me the job should I just take it even though it is not my first choice?

I have decided to give up on love for at least the next six months. It is still a goal but I think that I will let love find me. I am still dating but only one guy because I don't have time for more than that. Going out with friends and doing things I want to do is more important to me right now. I only have three official nights out a month and any more than that have to be scheduled ahead and can cost me extra $$ for babysitting.

Is there anybody out there?

I wonder if anyone reads my posts? I admit they are kind of "off the wall". I guess that is just the kind of person I am. I have only told one of my friends about it because I do not want my ex-husband (who is a stalker) to find it.

Ok, one goal is moving along (or so it appears). I had my first interview today, a second tomorrow and a third the next day. So hopefully by Friday I will know if I have a job. I guess it is up to fate now. My only concern is I need to work on my typing speed.

I guess I am just going to concentrate on this goal for now instead of trying to make three goals happen at once. Besides the chances of finding love seem slim especially since even the chances of getting sex are slim. Well that second part is not entirely true because there are guys out there I could call and they would pick me up and take me to their house in no time. But lets face it I am not 16 anymore (and yes I was having sex at 16). It is time to be more responsible about who I hook up with because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or get hurt myself. I already got way to hung up on the last guy I was dating, but luckily am already over that.

If all is going as planned my new job should open up new chances to meet people along with more money to do things I like.

As far as my third goal (getting published) that is really what I should be concentrating on after I get a job.

strange days

So I couldn't sign on the other day. But whatever I am here today. Whenever I am unable to blog I still write in a journal. So I am going to live my life with the advice of movies. Sounds crazy, huh? Nothing else seems to be working and lets face it. I AM BORED OUT OF MY SKULL. How do people do it? Living their day the same routine every week. I watched "Yes Man" tonight and I agree with that crazy Allison girl in the movie. How can people live their lives the same day in and day out. This is why I have so much trouble keeping a job for a long period of time. I get bored.

But I guess I am being forced by the law to do what everyone else does and that is stay at the same job, full time. It is f*cking communism I swear. I will never get married again. It is all because of my ex-husband is not wanting to pay child support that he is forcing to prove that I could be working more hours and earning more money. What about the kids? No one cares about raising their own kids anymore? My daughter is only three yet I have to put her in preschool full time. If they could only see how much she misses me when I am gone and how attached she is...

Anyways I am getting myself all worked up over something that is so obviously out of my control. I have a job interview tomorrow, yeah!

As I originally was saying, taking advice from "Yes Man". I need to start saying yes to more things and get my life on more of a kick start because right now it feels like it is at a stand still.

night lights

Not sure what that title means except it is late and I am finally typing on my blog. Sometimes, on nights like this, I wonder what is all for. I have wanted to do the right thing for so long. I have been a good wife to two men who treated me badly and then when I left because I couldn't take it anymore I am the one left with nothing but enemies. Relationships, blah. What good are they? Maybe sex is the only satisfaction there is.

I feel like I do nothing but give, give, give and all I get is those who want to hurt me and take advantage.

Its not just that, my life is a fucking lie. I am so bored here in Cali. I should be in Costa Rica or even Colorado where I could be outside in nature every day. I hate surfing here it is so cold and crowded. Plus there is no nature it is all developed. There are so many other things about living here I hate. But everyday there is a smile on my face. I pretend it is all ok. There is not one person in my life who I could talk to about my feelings because f*cking God or whoever took that one person away from me.