One night, when I was about seventeen, I gave my girlfriend a ride to her new boyfriend's house. It was in the prestigious neighborhood of Rancho Santa Fe. He was renting a room from some guy at his parent's estate. When we got there there were several guys drinking in the kitchen and some girls I knew from high school who I wasn't really friends with. One of the guys offered me a beer and at first I refused saying I was just dropping off my friend. Then my girlfriend convinced me to stay for 'one beer'. He gave me a beer and not long afterwards I started feeling really tired. I asked if I could lay down because I wasn't feeling good. They put me on a bed that seemed to be in the hallway or under some kind of loft. The next day I woke up naked in the house next door. My friend had come to get me since they told her they moved me next door. All I could remember was being slapped in the face and seeing some guy's chest. My girlfriend had to help me find my earrings and clothes. Then we went back to the house where I feel asleep and my friend said she would get them to take off their shirts so I could see who it was. There were about four guys there laughing and saying I was really loud last night. I could barely look at them and definitely couldn't speak. My friend told them we wanted to go in the jacuzzi. So the guys were taking off their shirts to go in and I nudged her and whispered, "that's the guy". She told them, "never mind, I forgot we have to go somewhere". We left. I am still not really sure about what happened that night. I do know I was raped but not sure by how many guys. I went home took a long shower and threw away my clothes. My dad was pissed at me for not coming home but I couldn't tell my parents what happened. They were strong catholics who believed that if something happened it was your own fault and most people are good.
Not long after that I moved out and rented a room from a drug dealer, I was only seventeen. But the event changed my life and I am still not over it. I suppressed it for many years. Then two, almost three, years ago I lost one of the most important people in my life. The only person who really knew me, my little brother. SO all this stuff came back up in therapy. It seems that I have been in self-destruction mood ever since, getting into relationships with men who mistreat me and don't care for anyone but themselves. My counselor said I was in a wickedly destructive pattern. Hopefully I am out of it now. At least now I appreciate who I am more and realize what I was doing to myself.
Anyways on Friday night I thought I was feeling better so I watched a movie and then it had a rape scene. I had to turn it off, and started to cry again. I don't know how girls who are raped over and over again by their father's or relatives can handle it. I can barely handle the one time, twenty years ago.
So the last few days slipped away from me. I did get another job interview and had some revolutionary ideas but I will have talk about that later.
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