Sunday, already

Two nights went by without posting because I caught a cold and feel asleep early each night. I am still not feeling too great right now but I think it was the stress of those three days trying to get over "the story". I am going to retell the story as I did last Tuesday night in hopes that all the sorrow is out of my system. This story actually happened twenty years ago but in my mind it is like it happened last week.

One night, when I was about seventeen, I gave my girlfriend a ride to her new boyfriend's house. It was in the prestigious neighborhood of Rancho Santa Fe. He was renting a room from some guy at his parent's estate. When we got there there were several guys drinking in the kitchen and some girls I knew from high school who I wasn't really friends with. One of the guys offered me a beer and at first I refused saying I was just dropping off my friend. Then my girlfriend convinced me to stay for 'one beer'. He gave me a beer and not long afterwards I started feeling really tired. I asked if I could lay down because I wasn't feeling good. They put me on a bed that seemed to be in the hallway or under some kind of loft. The next day I woke up naked in the house next door. My friend had come to get me since they told her they moved me next door. All I could remember was being slapped in the face and seeing some guy's chest. My girlfriend had to help me find my earrings and clothes. Then we went back to the house where I feel asleep and my friend said she would get them to take off their shirts so I could see who it was. There were about four guys there laughing and saying I was really loud last night. I could barely look at them and definitely couldn't speak. My friend told them we wanted to go in the jacuzzi. So the guys were taking off their shirts to go in and I nudged her and whispered, "that's the guy". She told them, "never mind, I forgot we have to go somewhere". We left. I am still not really sure about what happened that night. I do know I was raped but not sure by how many guys. I went home took a long shower and threw away my clothes. My dad was pissed at me for not coming home but I couldn't tell my parents what happened. They were strong catholics who believed that if something happened it was your own fault and most people are good.

Not long after that I moved out and rented a room from a drug dealer, I was only seventeen. But the event changed my life and I am still not over it. I suppressed it for many years. Then two, almost three, years ago I lost one of the most important people in my life. The only person who really knew me, my little brother. SO all this stuff came back up in therapy. It seems that I have been in self-destruction mood ever since, getting into relationships with men who mistreat me and don't care for anyone but themselves. My counselor said I was in a wickedly destructive pattern. Hopefully I am out of it now. At least now I appreciate who I am more and realize what I was doing to myself.

Anyways on Friday night I thought I was feeling better so I watched a movie and then it had a rape scene. I had to turn it off, and started to cry again. I don't know how girls who are raped over and over again by their father's or relatives can handle it. I can barely handle the one time, twenty years ago.

So the last few days slipped away from me. I did get another job interview and had some revolutionary ideas but I will have talk about that later.

beer & tylenol

My two new best friends, beer & tylenol. Healthy huh? Ever since I talked about "the story" I have been having trouble sleeping and feeling out of sync.

Anyways not much into writing tonight so my two friends and I are going to chillax.

get it together

I am not really sure why I titled this post that it just came to my head. And yes it is from a song, that is why I need to go to myspace so I can add music. The song is by Beastie Boys and I am not even listening to it, The words just came to mind the minute I opened this blog. "Get it together, see what's happening, get it together...a one, two, a one, two...one, two oh my god!" Anyways this is not name that tune, if this blog was to be given any game show name it would be 'get a life'. Actually that is a good idea I have for a show. I won't go into the details because someone may steal my idea.

So I guess get it together is a good theme for today because last night's crying about the past put me back in touch with who I am and how far I have come from that time in my life. I am still picking up the pieces and must remember that when entering into any new adventure that gets personal.

So tomorrow is another day of job searching and posting resumes along with a few hours of work with my existing job. It is almost February and all I can do is hope that I will have a new job by then so I can go back to my other two goals which are going to take much more work and concentration. Hopefully the search for love will bring some more fun into my life. In the least it will give me more to write about. Good night.

the story

I went on a date with this guy I am dating and everything was going great. Then somehow we got into the conversation of my past and he wondered since I had picked such bad guys in the past was there something wrong with him. So I told him "the story". I f8cking hate "the story" and afterwards I always feel like shit. Actually it's more than that, afterwards I went home ate a huge piece of chocolate and cried.

I wonder if he will still want to date me? I know I wish I wasn't me right now. Why do I even tell people? I don't even know because there is never a good reaction.

I would tell "the story" if I thought anyone was reading this and wanted to know. But it is a horrible piece of my life that transformed me. As I sit here with tears running down my face I wonder has counseling cured me of the evil I lived through or am I going to continue to punish myself as I have done in the past.

muddy Monday

Today was one of those days where the future seems unclear. I was in a dark mood. I am thinking that if anything maybe these writings can become a book. I will have to start improvising in a journal all the details that I am not sure about writing on this blog. Because some things are x-rated and this is more of a PG-13 blog. Remember, I am living my life as if it were a movie right now.

This is the boring part of the film, I guess, where stuff just drags on. There has been no positive progress on the goals for 2010, unless you consider the elimination of jobs progress. On that note, what I mean is that one job (from my three interviews of last week) called and said they hired within the company. The second job said they have my application on hold and will be getting back to me for a phone interview soon.

My wonderful friend, who I have known for about 26 years, told me that he thought that if I didn't get the job it must not be the right job for me. Which is actually true about the one that said they hired someone since it was only part-time and I probably need something full-time.

Anyways all this is not helping the rest of my life, since it is hard to get out and meet anyone when you have no money to spend and it is hard to concentrate on writing when you are feeling down about your work situation. Anyways enough complaining. I have a beautiful family and good health.

give me more

Is there anything wrong with wanting some loving and not caring about a commitment? I am a girl but does that make me a slut. SO I said I was putting love on hold but am I really. I am still dating a guy who is unavailable and calls all the shots in this non-relationship. But I am slightly hung up because he is the only guy I am sleeping with.

Last night I got tipsy and saw Ozomatli, which was amazing. Anyways at 2 am I was drunk texting and accidently texted the guy I am dating. He, of course, never called or sent me anything back.

I feel like such a fool.

All of my goals are in a stand still but it is still January, right? Things feel like they are moving in slow motion.

missing in action

I missed posting a few times this week. Kids, my son wanted to make music CDs on my computer last night & the other time I missed it my daughter kept me up with a stuffy nose so I was exhausted. I wish I could music to match my posts. I think I am going to take this post to my space soon so I can add music on a daily basis. Because if you were listening to what I was while reading maybe you could feel it more.

Still on the career hunt. Love is on hold, or hopefully it will find me. Then as far as getting published, I have been having a little writers block. I have consolidate my children's stories into a chapter book and add some details but I have been so unmotivated due to the discouraging career search.

I think I need a monster energy drink before I head out to my dead end job. Blahh

Going out tonight....

public or private

I went out with friends and then out with a guy I am dating on Tuesday night. My friend said he wanted to read my blog but I wasn't to sure about that. If you found it, let me know?? I wanted to do a blog because I always write in a journal but figured if I ever want to publish anything I should start getting used to people reading my writing. Yet here I am shy about it. Anyways I will have to give it to some girlfriends to read first so I could get some real criticism on going public.

On the job hunt, I had an interview yesterday and it was my third one this week. It went well, or so I hope, but it ended the same as Monday's interview in which they said, "I was their first interview and it would take two weeks to get back to me." Aagh! What does this mean?

One of the three job interviews said they would get back to me on Friday. So I wonder if they give me the job should I just take it even though it is not my first choice?

I have decided to give up on love for at least the next six months. It is still a goal but I think that I will let love find me. I am still dating but only one guy because I don't have time for more than that. Going out with friends and doing things I want to do is more important to me right now. I only have three official nights out a month and any more than that have to be scheduled ahead and can cost me extra $$ for babysitting.

Is there anybody out there?

I wonder if anyone reads my posts? I admit they are kind of "off the wall". I guess that is just the kind of person I am. I have only told one of my friends about it because I do not want my ex-husband (who is a stalker) to find it.

Ok, one goal is moving along (or so it appears). I had my first interview today, a second tomorrow and a third the next day. So hopefully by Friday I will know if I have a job. I guess it is up to fate now. My only concern is I need to work on my typing speed.

I guess I am just going to concentrate on this goal for now instead of trying to make three goals happen at once. Besides the chances of finding love seem slim especially since even the chances of getting sex are slim. Well that second part is not entirely true because there are guys out there I could call and they would pick me up and take me to their house in no time. But lets face it I am not 16 anymore (and yes I was having sex at 16). It is time to be more responsible about who I hook up with because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or get hurt myself. I already got way to hung up on the last guy I was dating, but luckily am already over that.

If all is going as planned my new job should open up new chances to meet people along with more money to do things I like.

As far as my third goal (getting published) that is really what I should be concentrating on after I get a job.

strange days

So I couldn't sign on the other day. But whatever I am here today. Whenever I am unable to blog I still write in a journal. So I am going to live my life with the advice of movies. Sounds crazy, huh? Nothing else seems to be working and lets face it. I AM BORED OUT OF MY SKULL. How do people do it? Living their day the same routine every week. I watched "Yes Man" tonight and I agree with that crazy Allison girl in the movie. How can people live their lives the same day in and day out. This is why I have so much trouble keeping a job for a long period of time. I get bored.

But I guess I am being forced by the law to do what everyone else does and that is stay at the same job, full time. It is f*cking communism I swear. I will never get married again. It is all because of my ex-husband is not wanting to pay child support that he is forcing to prove that I could be working more hours and earning more money. What about the kids? No one cares about raising their own kids anymore? My daughter is only three yet I have to put her in preschool full time. If they could only see how much she misses me when I am gone and how attached she is...

Anyways I am getting myself all worked up over something that is so obviously out of my control. I have a job interview tomorrow, yeah!

As I originally was saying, taking advice from "Yes Man". I need to start saying yes to more things and get my life on more of a kick start because right now it feels like it is at a stand still.

night lights

Not sure what that title means except it is late and I am finally typing on my blog. Sometimes, on nights like this, I wonder what is all for. I have wanted to do the right thing for so long. I have been a good wife to two men who treated me badly and then when I left because I couldn't take it anymore I am the one left with nothing but enemies. Relationships, blah. What good are they? Maybe sex is the only satisfaction there is.

I feel like I do nothing but give, give, give and all I get is those who want to hurt me and take advantage.

Its not just that, my life is a fucking lie. I am so bored here in Cali. I should be in Costa Rica or even Colorado where I could be outside in nature every day. I hate surfing here it is so cold and crowded. Plus there is no nature it is all developed. There are so many other things about living here I hate. But everyday there is a smile on my face. I pretend it is all ok. There is not one person in my life who I could talk to about my feelings because f*cking God or whoever took that one person away from me.

career goal

Ok, today I updated my resume & sent it along with cover letters to 16 jobs. One actually called me and set up an interview. Yeah!!!

I can't even believe how happy I am. I'm going to have a new job. If anyone has ever been divorced or broke up with someone they thought they would be with forever? This is the best revenge, get a better job, a better lover and be happy every day. Not that I really need revenge since just him seeing me happy without him I think has been revenge enough.

Ok so I am getting a little ahead of myself. I haven't landed "the" job yet. It will happen though I can feel it in my bones.

what a difference a day makes

24 little hours...I missed blogging yesterday but I wrote in my journal instead. I met with a vocational counselor yesterday for about 3 hours. Yet it was amazingly helpful, or at least I hope it was. She gave me several job leads. Unfortunately afterwards I had to go to work so I didn't get to follow those leads yet.
Today I spent any free minute I could (I have a demanding toddler to entertain) working on improving my resume and writing a cover letter, that was suggested by the vocational counselor. Luckily my dad used to be a headhunter so I made him help me. Unluckily I didn't get to send it out today.
Tomorrow I will send both items to all the leads that the counselor gave me. One thing that the vocational counselor gave me which I didn't expect was a boost of confidence. It is amazing what that can do for you.
So for now this is my main focus, getting a career/job. The other two goals will have to be put on hold for now.
In regards to finding love, I got another boost of confidence from a relative today. I told her about my unusual dating situation and she (who graduated from Berkely with a psychology degree) said that she talked to her boyfriend about it. She said they both agree that I am settling again,"that I could have my pick of almost any guy out there and shouldn't forget that." I have had several girlfriends and a few guy friends tell me the same thing but coming from a successful guy and an intelligent lady, whom I admire, is different.

Happy Monday

I am kind of tired tonight so I am not going to write much. I haven't been able to work on my books in a few days. I did get a call for a job interview but have to think about it more. Not much else to report. Just thinking about my dreams every day and getting little bits of advice to guide me on the way. I am open to what life has in store for me. I just wish I knew what it was.

Saturday nights

MY freaking computer was having issues connecting to the internet today. So here I am writing now. I had an interesting day. A job that I applied for on line asked me to come to an interview but it is an insurance firm. I am completely against insurance and believe that we should have socialized medicine (like most of the world has). Obviously I am not going to the interview. I did work this morning. It was nice.

Then I came home and took a nap since I was out late last night. I did a lot of thinking today like how I am wasting my time at bars, plus money I should be saving. I thought about how I was going to get out of my parent's house and back into my own place. It seems so difficult. I really don't want to be away from Giselle more than 30 hours a week. Yet I can do this right? I need to not think about the how and concentrate on the what.

What should I be doing to better prepare myself for the future I want? I should be investing in myself & anything else that would better my future. Guys and having fun should wait. Those things will come when I am better prepared in my future.

On the positive, I was running today & some guys stopped me and asked if I want to play boucle (not sure how to spell that) ball. I told them I didn't know how. Then one of them said, "you're a cute girl." It was very sweet. But I said thanks and bye as I continued my run. One of the guys yelled something to me as I was leaving but I just pretended to not hear since I had just put my headphones back on.

See, if I just keeping doing healthy things like running and hopefully surfing again than I will meet more guys in a non-drinking setting.

Goals for the next whatever amount of months as I can (without getting too lonely), are to save money & not go to bars unless someone else pays.

reunions

I spent most of my day searching for jobs. I also sent in the information to renew my real estate license. Now I just have to get the money to pay for everything and find job in real estate. At the bar tonight I met a cute guy who guess what? is in commercial real estate. Every guy I meet seems to be in that. It is a man's business. Maybe its a sign that there is where I should be.

Who knows? Only the great creator. I just wish she would give me a signal on which was the right direction.

Anyways life goes on. Haven't found love, a career or gotten published...yet.

As far as reunions, ran into a friend from elementary school and said they were meeting for a school reunion. This is the second person to invite me to a school reunion and from two different schools. Hopefully I can go to one, at least.

Friday

For most people this is the beginning of the weekend, for me it is just another day as a mom. So that means no going out. I thought I posted something yesterday but I guess it didn't save. Anyways I moved some more steps towards getting my books published I started to combine the stories into a manuscript. Unfortunately it doesn't look like I am going to get the money I need to renew my real estate license.

So I am watching "He's just not that into you" and the guy I am dating doesn't show any of those signs yet I am not sure if he is into me or not. I f*cking hate dating. It's not that he is the only guy who has asked me out. It's just that I turned all the other guys down. The thing is I like this guy. Anyways, I am insane. I need to meet someone else to date who is more into me and that I like too. Why is it all the other guys I met I am not into them? I should probably just focus on my career.

Since I didn't get the money to renew my re lic. I am getting a vocational assessment on Tuesday. I pray to God, or whatever higher power is out there, since I don't believe in any religion. Please let this help me find a real freaking job, a damn career. It is ridiculous I have worked since I was fifteen. Not just one job but several jobs at the same time. And every time I have had a career I let some god awful man complain I was working too much and convince me that I should quit to be with him more. Then you know what happens?? Well I change to some job with less hours and no potential, for some guy who supposedly loves me. Unfortunately two of those guys I married; and one cheated on me several times. The other ended up to be a psycho stalker.

Ok I am venting... Positive things will happen on their own. Right?

checking in

I know no one reads my chatter & I really have only told one of my friends about this blog site. It is really for me to keep tabs on myself, to make myself accountable for something, to know that each day I am at least thinking about my goals and not just daydreaming. This day was just that a day. I hung with my daughter & my son, when he got home from school. My daughter & I went to her dance class. Later we met a friend at the park & the kids played. Nothing to report on my goals, just thoughts on the back burner. I did get to go running and do some sit-ups but unfortunately losing weight isn't one of my goals. I weigh about 110 & wear size 0. So if you read this (anyone?) and want to lose weight just hang out with me for a month. I'll get you in shape. Its love, career & getting published that I can't seem to get down. Work in progress...

blah

I found out that my books I want to publish may need to be geared to another age group. I thought they were for preschool age. But now I think it may be better to add a little more to the stories and get them published for early readers. I am going to the library today to research this more.

As for finding love and a career... that is at a stand still. I am dating one guy who I really like yet I have no clue whether he wants a relationship. At least the company and the sex is great! I just wish it was more often but lets face it I am a single working mother. I don't have that much time. I am awaiting the answer to my request for funding to renew my real estate license, which I will know by the 11th at the latest. Career offers have been coming in but none of them are a for sure yet.

Baby steps

Today it is only 10:30 am and I am already steps towards a new career. I applied for a small loan to get my real estate license renewed. It isn't much money but when you are a single mom of two kids and living with family, money is tight. Not to mention how hard it is to date. Plus I won't even go into the long drama of an ex who has been stalking me and is probably registered on every dating site on the web. So I have to find dates the old fashioned way, pure sex appeal (ha, ha).

I also started working on a query letter for publishing my books...

Day two

I went out last night after accomplishing as much as I could on the computer. Where are you supposed to search for love? The bar is probably not the best place but where else is there to go at 9pm. So I visited my girlfriend, a beautiful bartender, and she talked about her boyfriend's latest spats. What is wrong with guys? I know her boyfriend couldn't find a better girl than my friend yet he continues to get phone calls from random girls. Then there is the guy I am dating. I have no idea what he is thinking. He admits he is dating someone else but I know we always have a great time together. And I am younger, athletic and interested in the same things as him. What is he afraid of?

Whatever, love is supposed to find me right? I'll just keep making myself available until someone wants to stop me. Last night the bouncer kept asking to hold my hand, I guess to stop me from looking available. I gave him my number and left around midnight.

Today I work my dead end job then I will work on writing a Query letter to publishers. So the journey has begun...

beginning

Everyone has New Year's resolutions but this year I am going to make myself accountable to three, find a career, love and publish something. Over the holiday I watched more movies then I have probably seen all year. And it made me think, am I the only one who seems to not be living a fairy tale life?

The Secret says to dream it, imagine it, fake it until you make it. But whatever you want you have to believe it everyday.

So I decided to blog it 365 days & see if it is true. Can fairy tales really come true? Or can at least one of your dreams be accomplished if you stick to it daily?

Anyone want to join me???

What are your dreams?