It's been a while

Where has the time gone. I gave up on myself a while back. I wonder every month if I am going to make it. I feel like I am being put through too many challenges. I know the job market is tough and many people are struggling. But really, I need to have a little pity party right now so if you are not in the mood feel free to skip over this writing session... So I'm still missing my little brother like crazy, my divorce has taken over three years now, I have not been able to find a consistent, decent paying job during this whole three year battle, and when I have worked close to 40 hours my littlest one gives me such a hard time I feel like shooting myself in the foot.
What gives? I have gotten to the point where every guy I meet is either a lunatic or I am afraid to get close to him ( and by that I mean even kiss him) because my life is such a mess I hate bring anyone into it. *@#$*! 
I wish I knew what to do....

Where am I?

I am so lost lately. I know that some outside force is guiding my life but I have no idea where that is. So, I thought I had a full time job in the bag but when I went for my first day it was a disaster. Cause I am riot-maker or in this case, more like a slacker. In case you don't know I am listening to Tech N9ne. Whatever the reason it was my fault. But they asked me to come back on Thursday. I am still interviewing because even though the job I got might work out. I am interested to see if this other job will hire me.
I finally got music on my site... whatcha you think?
I have a lot of writing to do but I also have a pile of paperwork to sort. I'll catch up to writing tonight.

New month, new possiblities

I'm fighting a cold but I am hoping to be better by tomorrow. I don't have much to report just many prospects and ideas in the works right now. I guess I am just being superstitious and not talking too much about something that I really want to see happen.

I'll write more once I get over this cold and see what's going on with all these deals swirling around my head.

Sunday, already

Two nights went by without posting because I caught a cold and feel asleep early each night. I am still not feeling too great right now but I think it was the stress of those three days trying to get over "the story". I am going to retell the story as I did last Tuesday night in hopes that all the sorrow is out of my system. This story actually happened twenty years ago but in my mind it is like it happened last week.

One night, when I was about seventeen, I gave my girlfriend a ride to her new boyfriend's house. It was in the prestigious neighborhood of Rancho Santa Fe. He was renting a room from some guy at his parent's estate. When we got there there were several guys drinking in the kitchen and some girls I knew from high school who I wasn't really friends with. One of the guys offered me a beer and at first I refused saying I was just dropping off my friend. Then my girlfriend convinced me to stay for 'one beer'. He gave me a beer and not long afterwards I started feeling really tired. I asked if I could lay down because I wasn't feeling good. They put me on a bed that seemed to be in the hallway or under some kind of loft. The next day I woke up naked in the house next door. My friend had come to get me since they told her they moved me next door. All I could remember was being slapped in the face and seeing some guy's chest. My girlfriend had to help me find my earrings and clothes. Then we went back to the house where I feel asleep and my friend said she would get them to take off their shirts so I could see who it was. There were about four guys there laughing and saying I was really loud last night. I could barely look at them and definitely couldn't speak. My friend told them we wanted to go in the jacuzzi. So the guys were taking off their shirts to go in and I nudged her and whispered, "that's the guy". She told them, "never mind, I forgot we have to go somewhere". We left. I am still not really sure about what happened that night. I do know I was raped but not sure by how many guys. I went home took a long shower and threw away my clothes. My dad was pissed at me for not coming home but I couldn't tell my parents what happened. They were strong catholics who believed that if something happened it was your own fault and most people are good.

Not long after that I moved out and rented a room from a drug dealer, I was only seventeen. But the event changed my life and I am still not over it. I suppressed it for many years. Then two, almost three, years ago I lost one of the most important people in my life. The only person who really knew me, my little brother. SO all this stuff came back up in therapy. It seems that I have been in self-destruction mood ever since, getting into relationships with men who mistreat me and don't care for anyone but themselves. My counselor said I was in a wickedly destructive pattern. Hopefully I am out of it now. At least now I appreciate who I am more and realize what I was doing to myself.

Anyways on Friday night I thought I was feeling better so I watched a movie and then it had a rape scene. I had to turn it off, and started to cry again. I don't know how girls who are raped over and over again by their father's or relatives can handle it. I can barely handle the one time, twenty years ago.

So the last few days slipped away from me. I did get another job interview and had some revolutionary ideas but I will have talk about that later.

beer & tylenol

My two new best friends, beer & tylenol. Healthy huh? Ever since I talked about "the story" I have been having trouble sleeping and feeling out of sync.

Anyways not much into writing tonight so my two friends and I are going to chillax.

get it together

I am not really sure why I titled this post that it just came to my head. And yes it is from a song, that is why I need to go to myspace so I can add music. The song is by Beastie Boys and I am not even listening to it, The words just came to mind the minute I opened this blog. "Get it together, see what's happening, get it together...a one, two, a one, two...one, two oh my god!" Anyways this is not name that tune, if this blog was to be given any game show name it would be 'get a life'. Actually that is a good idea I have for a show. I won't go into the details because someone may steal my idea.

So I guess get it together is a good theme for today because last night's crying about the past put me back in touch with who I am and how far I have come from that time in my life. I am still picking up the pieces and must remember that when entering into any new adventure that gets personal.

So tomorrow is another day of job searching and posting resumes along with a few hours of work with my existing job. It is almost February and all I can do is hope that I will have a new job by then so I can go back to my other two goals which are going to take much more work and concentration. Hopefully the search for love will bring some more fun into my life. In the least it will give me more to write about. Good night.

the story

I went on a date with this guy I am dating and everything was going great. Then somehow we got into the conversation of my past and he wondered since I had picked such bad guys in the past was there something wrong with him. So I told him "the story". I f8cking hate "the story" and afterwards I always feel like shit. Actually it's more than that, afterwards I went home ate a huge piece of chocolate and cried.

I wonder if he will still want to date me? I know I wish I wasn't me right now. Why do I even tell people? I don't even know because there is never a good reaction.

I would tell "the story" if I thought anyone was reading this and wanted to know. But it is a horrible piece of my life that transformed me. As I sit here with tears running down my face I wonder has counseling cured me of the evil I lived through or am I going to continue to punish myself as I have done in the past.